Are Romantic Relationships For Me?
Working Through My Fear To Understand Me.
By: Stephanie S. Franklin, Esq., “Mecca”
It’s natural to want to be loved. In our deepest silence, love is what we yearn to feel, what we yearn to experience and what we yearn to know. So, it’s very natural. But sometimes, the pain of soured love prevents us from moving forward to catch the love that our soul is yearning to feel. So we bench ourselves, take ourselves out of the game because loving again will be too painful to endure if things fail to work out.
Masks we wear to hide the love we thirst is oftentimes oblivious to the surface reader. We all wear masks to hide the fear that we hold or the mistrust that we feel towards the general public. But underneath the mask is a sensitive, fragile soul that loves to be held and caressed. We all want it, but will engage in a multitude of activities to avoid it. So let’s journey together and peel back the layers of pain that cause us to avoid the most natural part of us…the desire to be loved.
Love can be defined in so many ways. Love is defined by the author of the story. Sometimes love is dependability. Sometimes love is firecrackers. Sometimes love is communication. And sometimes love is just not wanting to be alone. It is our personal experiences that dictate the definition for us, each person needing and wanting something different to fulfill that deepest part of him/her. So where did you lose this? Why the mask? How do I move forward to find the love that I want?
Think back to your first serious relationship. Most likely it is the one that is the most innocent. Meaning that you truly may have loved each other and genuinely enjoyed spending time together. It was a natural attraction, where you sincerely felt one another and vibed on a different plane. But, for whatever reason, the relationship did not work out. Maybe you were too young, maybe you grew in different directions or maybe you wanted different things. But for whatever reason it ended, you knew that the experience was one of true, genuine love.
But as you matured and moved through your subsequent relationships, things were not as innocent and became quite complicated. Motives and intentions other than loving you became the prerequisite to forming unions. Innocent relationships did not seem to exist anymore. Partnering became more strategic and more complicated, intentions unclear. So to protect yourself, you began to wear your mask so that you could protect the gentleness and sensitivity inside of you. You no longer felt the feeling of true desire and intention to be involved in a genuine relationship, but felt that your partnership was created as a result of a strategic move, a master plan. And when the master plan was revealed, that s/he is with you for some reason other than love, your heart shrunk to the size of a cherry and you vowed never to allow yourself to be that vulnerable again. This is where you go wrong. This is where people make the choice to pull out and decide whether romantic relationships are really for them.
They decide to engage in activities that do not support loving someone. They may date a multitude of characters, deciding that they will spend time with varied persons so as not to allow their heart to grow and envelop with someone else. Another person may focus on their kids, placing all their love and energy into loving them. Because after all, where can you go wrong in loving your kids and pouring into them? Last is the workaholic. Placing all bets into what s/he knows, what s/he can control, and what s/he is good at doing.
All are forms of avoidance, working hard to ignore the most natural feeling that everyone wants to feel…LOVE! So how do we get back into the game, after benching ourselves for several seasons? The first thing we need to do is be gentle with ourselves, understanding that we have endured traumatic experiences that impact that very vulnerable part of ourselves that we are not socialized to feel. Second, we must reflect on our past relationships, taking the time to think and journal about what made us feel good about the relationship and what we wish we could change in the future. Third, trust ourselves, our instinct. Knowing that intuitively we know who and what is right for us, but making sure that we are fully aware of the current circumstance and the lessons we learned in previous relationships. Last, have the courage to step back in the game. Benching yourself for several seasons is your choice, but you will watch years and years past, and wonder where the time has gone. Know that you are protected and seriously intend on attracting what you do want. Know that you deserve it and call it into manifestation. It’s all up to you!
Be clear that loving someone is work, and sometimes you will hit pitfalls that are very uncomfortable. But know that each pitfall that you hit is all about you! It is a lesson for your own evolution and as long as you see the obstacles as lessons and opportunities, you will continue to move forward and find the romantic relationship for you!
Practical Tips and Exercises:
• Purchase a journal and pen/pencil that speaks to you.
• Find a comfortable place where you will experience peace and solitude and will be undisturbed.
• Ensure that your physical environment where you experience peace and solitude is physically pleasing to you (playing light music, burning candles, incense and aromatic oil burners, etc.)
• Reflect on your past relationships. Look at the patterns and begin to contemplate on how you will change these issues in the future. In the physical space that you have identified as a place of comfort, peace and solitude, ask and answer the six (6) questions below and journal your thoughts.
• How did each relationship make you feel?
• What were the positives in the relationship? What were the challenges in the relationship?
• Why did the relationships end?
• What would I change about my past relationships?
• What would I do differently in my future relationships?
• Write these positive affirmations ten (10) times a day for thirty (30) days:
I am involved in genuine, healthy, and loving relationships that support me.
I trust and believe that I will attract the best loving relationship for me.
I move forward in life with courage to participate in the loving relationships I deserve and desire.
Continue this exercise consistently. Through consistent intention and action, patterns will emerge that speak to the underlying issues of your past relationships and will give you answers to unlocking the door which leads to the pathway of attracting the love you want.
Stephanie S. Franklin, Esq., “Mecca”
Empowering individuals, families and communities.